Today I took a Sabbath from my head
I did not over think one thing
As people hear me talk about what I am doing
They remind me the importance of a Sabbath
The importance God places on rest
But when you take a rest you still have thoughts
Or you feel guilty for not dealing with emotions
I make lists of things to sort out
And I think I’m really not so bad
Generally healthy
But today I took a rest from my head
I did not stress about the time or the things I would do
Some things I have left for other days
I took a break from the challenge of decision
Instead I knew what to make for every meal
I didn’t check the cupboards and fridge first
I did not consult one thing
I just had a feeling and my hands did the rest
And my head got to enjoy watching
the swirls bubbles make while doing the dishes
the way the water boils and steam rises
the way I was relearning to do everything peacefully
I took a walk and said hi to everyone I met
I noticed their eyes and their smiles
And I think they noticed mine
And we could all feel the breeze and the sun
We didn’t learn each others struggle
And we didn’t change the world
But we took a break from that
and rested in our own connections
I work on being present with the people around me
Sometimes I can be present without so many ideas running around
Today I was present for me
Today I was present to listen
I was present to feel
I was present to take joy in little things
I was present to know God in the world
And today I didn’t worry about what that meant
Today I left my head on holiday
And this poem and words on a screen changes flow and direction
I was thinking about changing it
But my thoughts told me they were still on a break
And I am doing just fine feeling my way through the day
so why?
Plus I’m on Sabbath anyway…
25 August 2010
25 July 2010
Church in the ICU
The Sunday morning after Joanne left for home escorted by her niece we got to meet, Emily was going into her biggest surgery.
Her previous surgeries had gone well and were mainly to clean things out, but this Sunday was going to be an all day surgery and decide what happened to her leg. Truthfully, being in the ICU again reminded me a lot of visiting Esther and brought back some of the emotion about her death I blogged about months ago.
For everyone it seemed very important Emily kept her leg. But for me the idea of infection was just too great. I had watched what happened to Esther and knew my uncle at home was struggling with infection along with other problems that kept him in the hospital. So of course I wanted Emily’s surgeries to go well, but I was more than happy as long as I heard no infection after each surgery. And you see I have never seen Emily in other parts of her life, but I could see this beautiful spirit, so as far as I was concerned that was all I really needed to hold onto. This of course is my selfish point of view, but I also wanted to be practical so I could give Emily support no matter what happened.
And then we came to that Sunday morning. We weren’t focusing on her pain or how to distract her from her pain. And we weren’t making jokes about boys or each other. And Emily’s sound advice for my future, which I still miss were on hold. Emily just had some things on her mind and on a Sunday morning started talking about a Bible passage she really wanted to find. It turned out it was from Psalms (121) and Jen had been thinking of a song based off the same verses Emily was thinking. It was really beautiful.
And Emily who had us all there to give her support and courage and pray with her, she was the one that had the message. I don’t know if she will every realize it. But I think one of the strongest things about her recovery is she really believed she would keep her leg and the surgeries would go well. She did not have any of that doubt that we take her energies away from healing. And as she spoke and told us how she knew being flown down from Uganda and the whole timeline of events made her sure she would keep her leg. Earlier I had been concerned her clinging to hope would make any other outcome too hard to handle – but then I realized it was her belief that was keeping her strong enough to physically handle everything.
So with everyone else surrounding Emily, she was the one who brought the strongest message I have heard on a Sunday morning. (Well she and her nurse that came back after taking her to surgery and gave us a message of her own. And Jen and I going over Hymns…)) and it was a long and emotional day, and none of us knew how to feel when the surgeon came out to report to us. But the muscle flap was working. One day at a time, one day at a time.
In the days after things weren’t easy and their was a lot of pain and a lot of other things to deal with. But that morning 500 stained glass windows would not have made that ICU room more of a church.
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 The LORD will not let your foot slip—
the maker who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, the LORD who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Her previous surgeries had gone well and were mainly to clean things out, but this Sunday was going to be an all day surgery and decide what happened to her leg. Truthfully, being in the ICU again reminded me a lot of visiting Esther and brought back some of the emotion about her death I blogged about months ago.
For everyone it seemed very important Emily kept her leg. But for me the idea of infection was just too great. I had watched what happened to Esther and knew my uncle at home was struggling with infection along with other problems that kept him in the hospital. So of course I wanted Emily’s surgeries to go well, but I was more than happy as long as I heard no infection after each surgery. And you see I have never seen Emily in other parts of her life, but I could see this beautiful spirit, so as far as I was concerned that was all I really needed to hold onto. This of course is my selfish point of view, but I also wanted to be practical so I could give Emily support no matter what happened.
And then we came to that Sunday morning. We weren’t focusing on her pain or how to distract her from her pain. And we weren’t making jokes about boys or each other. And Emily’s sound advice for my future, which I still miss were on hold. Emily just had some things on her mind and on a Sunday morning started talking about a Bible passage she really wanted to find. It turned out it was from Psalms (121) and Jen had been thinking of a song based off the same verses Emily was thinking. It was really beautiful.
And Emily who had us all there to give her support and courage and pray with her, she was the one that had the message. I don’t know if she will every realize it. But I think one of the strongest things about her recovery is she really believed she would keep her leg and the surgeries would go well. She did not have any of that doubt that we take her energies away from healing. And as she spoke and told us how she knew being flown down from Uganda and the whole timeline of events made her sure she would keep her leg. Earlier I had been concerned her clinging to hope would make any other outcome too hard to handle – but then I realized it was her belief that was keeping her strong enough to physically handle everything.
So with everyone else surrounding Emily, she was the one who brought the strongest message I have heard on a Sunday morning. (Well she and her nurse that came back after taking her to surgery and gave us a message of her own. And Jen and I going over Hymns…)) and it was a long and emotional day, and none of us knew how to feel when the surgeon came out to report to us. But the muscle flap was working. One day at a time, one day at a time.
In the days after things weren’t easy and their was a lot of pain and a lot of other things to deal with. But that morning 500 stained glass windows would not have made that ICU room more of a church.
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 The LORD will not let your foot slip—
the maker who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, the LORD who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
21 July 2010
Painted Faces/ Clowning around
Joanne had been to Uganda a few times before, but decided this time at 68 she would try clowning to make children laugh but also teach them at God is where Joy really comes. My experience with clowning comes for a little different place, but I totally bonded with Joanne over this. When she first moved out of ICU we brought down her medicine bag, it wasn’t until the next time I visited her that she made fun of us for bringing her clown make-up. So I borrowed her bright orange nail polish for a rainy day.
(There actually weren’t any rainy days and haven’t been for months as it is the dry season.) But we used some face paint from the World Cup and Rachel and I ended up painting our faces to clown in the clown’s hospital room. The nail polish I put on earlier and we are talking brighter than orange highlighter. In fact I woke up frightened a few times.
Jen distracted Joanne as we finished getting ready at the mirror in her room and we had a wonderful time laughing with Joanne when she saw us. And the hospital staff and other patients in the ICU for days asked me where my face was after that.
Dressing up as a clown did more than cheer up Joanne however, and give me a much needed chance to be goofy. We had originally been getting ready in a bathroom off the ICU, when another American and a woman from the state department needed the room. Jen said of course we could leave and asked for just a minute as Rachel and I needed to collect our clowning make up. The American said ohh my son went to Haiti clowning once to which I poked my head out of the bathroom and asked, “With Patch Adams?”
Turns out her son, Seth is my age and went to college with a bunch of my friends from High School who I know go clowning with Patch Adams and had done the trip to Haiti. My best friend Becca had gone on a trip to Venezuela clowning as well. Margaret had just flown down with Seth from Lilongwe, because the family had gotten into a bad car accident. Seth had just spent a year working in Malawi after college at a hospital in Lilongwe and his family was taking a vacation to visit him at the end of his time. Margaret was very excited to see me clowning and brought me to meet Seth during night visiting hours at the ICU after I spent time with Joanne. She and I met up in the waiting area first where I became friends with other family members of people in the ICU. Seth was pretty out of it, but over the rest of my time there I got to visit them daily and meet his Dad and brother when they finally got a commercial flight down.
I am so pleased Margaret and I could make the connection and I got a chance to know their family. The grace in which she handled everything amazed me and the family’s kindness but knowledge of the world made me feel very at home.
Through Margaret and visiting Seth I also got to more of the ICU and hearing other people’s stories and spending everyday in the ICU is quite an experience. My heart swelled in ways I couldn’t expect. Some days I felt like as much as I wanted to be there for the family’s I was visiting, I had to go run off to catch my breath. Other days I just kept going on autopilot until I was with Joanne, or Emily, or Seth, or Margaret or Jen or Matt- with them I could be fully present. And Joanne would give us a hard time if we weren’t around her much, unless I was visiting Seth, she asked about him everyday and got to meet his family and the day before she left got to go to the ICU to meet him after seeing Emily.
So in silly make-up I got to laugh and cry and meet people that will forever change and be part of my life. The journeys after our three weeks of immediate contact will be long. And as I pray for my new family and friends, know your thoughts and prayers would be appreciated as well.
(There actually weren’t any rainy days and haven’t been for months as it is the dry season.) But we used some face paint from the World Cup and Rachel and I ended up painting our faces to clown in the clown’s hospital room. The nail polish I put on earlier and we are talking brighter than orange highlighter. In fact I woke up frightened a few times.
Jen distracted Joanne as we finished getting ready at the mirror in her room and we had a wonderful time laughing with Joanne when she saw us. And the hospital staff and other patients in the ICU for days asked me where my face was after that.
Dressing up as a clown did more than cheer up Joanne however, and give me a much needed chance to be goofy. We had originally been getting ready in a bathroom off the ICU, when another American and a woman from the state department needed the room. Jen said of course we could leave and asked for just a minute as Rachel and I needed to collect our clowning make up. The American said ohh my son went to Haiti clowning once to which I poked my head out of the bathroom and asked, “With Patch Adams?”
Turns out her son, Seth is my age and went to college with a bunch of my friends from High School who I know go clowning with Patch Adams and had done the trip to Haiti. My best friend Becca had gone on a trip to Venezuela clowning as well. Margaret had just flown down with Seth from Lilongwe, because the family had gotten into a bad car accident. Seth had just spent a year working in Malawi after college at a hospital in Lilongwe and his family was taking a vacation to visit him at the end of his time. Margaret was very excited to see me clowning and brought me to meet Seth during night visiting hours at the ICU after I spent time with Joanne. She and I met up in the waiting area first where I became friends with other family members of people in the ICU. Seth was pretty out of it, but over the rest of my time there I got to visit them daily and meet his Dad and brother when they finally got a commercial flight down.
I am so pleased Margaret and I could make the connection and I got a chance to know their family. The grace in which she handled everything amazed me and the family’s kindness but knowledge of the world made me feel very at home.
Through Margaret and visiting Seth I also got to more of the ICU and hearing other people’s stories and spending everyday in the ICU is quite an experience. My heart swelled in ways I couldn’t expect. Some days I felt like as much as I wanted to be there for the family’s I was visiting, I had to go run off to catch my breath. Other days I just kept going on autopilot until I was with Joanne, or Emily, or Seth, or Margaret or Jen or Matt- with them I could be fully present. And Joanne would give us a hard time if we weren’t around her much, unless I was visiting Seth, she asked about him everyday and got to meet his family and the day before she left got to go to the ICU to meet him after seeing Emily.
So in silly make-up I got to laugh and cry and meet people that will forever change and be part of my life. The journeys after our three weeks of immediate contact will be long. And as I pray for my new family and friends, know your thoughts and prayers would be appreciated as well.
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